Brokenness

"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18

This has been my humble cry for the last week. I have debated writing about this, but it seems I'm frozen in my silence, unable to move forward. I write this as an act of faith and hope, when I feel I have none at the moment. I know God has a plan for Josh & I, and I cling to the hope that this experience is part of our testimony bearing witness that God is who He says He is.

Savior. Redeemer. Comforter. Healer.

I had a miscarriage a week ago. We had only told our family about the pregnancy, waiting a little longer before sharing our news with everyone. But last Thursday I went to the doctor because of some bleeding and light cramping, but we were able to get an ultrasound and see our sweet baby's heartbeat and were assured everything looked fine. I woke up Friday, April 1st morning, with more bleeding, so I went back to the doctor for blood work and another ultrasound. Again, I saw our tiny baby and a perfect heart beating. I was sent home to rest and wait. That evening, I miscarried.

This week has been a tearful blur with lots of breakdowns and questioning. I struggle to understand why... but I was never promised the answer. We were never promised that this life would be easy, only that we would be comforted and never alone. But it is still hard. Josh reminds me that God, too, lost His firstborn, only to inherit all of His sons and daughters. I do find comfort in this, if not a deeper understanding of pain and love beautifully intertwined. From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I fell head over heels in love. It's crazy how intensely I loved someone I knew for only a short time and was the size of a blueberry. But our whole world changed that day. Could this be a small glimpse of how radically and passionately God loves us, simply because we are His? And as intense the love I felt, the pain of losing is just as intense.

I feel like I have joined a secret club that I never thought or imagined I would be a part of. I guess no one does. I know many women have had far worse experiences than mine, miscarrying many times or late in pregnancy or even losing a child. My heart breaks with them. But I know God grieves with each of us.

Each day is a battle to cling to hope for our future.

I cling to God's promise that what has been stolen will be returned.

We are devastated. But not defeated.

Discouraged & disappointed. But not hopeless.

We have much to be thankful for. This experience has taught me so much about being thankful for even the smallest of blessings, though it's hard to see past this moment.

I'm trying to believe that joy comes in the morning.

It's just not morning yet.

But this too shall pass.

I'm thankful for our family and friends that have gathered around us to pray and support us, especially when we couldn't ourselves.

I'm thankful to my sweet husband. He has been strong for me when I've just been a puddle of tears, too devastated to know what to do with myself.

He was exactly what I needed to get through this.

I'm thankful for a God that sees my pain. That grieves with me. Whose heart breaks when mine breaks. That lets me hide away in Him to restore and comfort me. That He works all things together for the good of those who love Him.

Dear Sweet Bamboo,

From the day I found out about you, my whole world changed. You made me feel like I had finally figured out my purpose in life, to be your mom. It felt like a huge relief... finally you were coming! Being a little obsessive compulsive, I read every book I could find about how you were growing and how to keep you healthy. I gave up Dr. Pepper as soon as I found out about you {which is a pretty big deal if you know me}... and it wasn't even hard because you meant so much to me! Each night your dad and I would pray for you and speak blessings over you. One day I totally played the preggo card by saying our "bambino" wanted some Grimaldi's pizza... Josh thought I said "Bamboo." So that was your dad's special nickname for you. We really miss you. Though I only knew you for a short time, I was so in love with you. You showed me a deeper love that I have never experienced before, much like the Father's love for us. Thank you for showing me that love.

I had a dream that you are a boy. We wonder what you would have looked like, would you have had curly hair like your dad or brown eyes like me? I know you would have been absolutely perfect, and are perfect in Heaven now. We find peace and comfort that you are in Heaven now, hearing the most angelic lullabies, being held and comforted by Abba Father. I find comfort that you'll never know the hurt and pain of this world, but will only know the perfection of Heaven. We dream of the day we get to meet you. We can't wait to hold you and kiss you. We will carry you in our hearts always.

We love you,

Dad & Mom